My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
