I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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