New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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