My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
