he puts the penis in happiness.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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