Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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