Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
