I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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