Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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