Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
