I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
