Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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