Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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