this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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