I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?