I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz