I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.