I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
