If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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