i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
