Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
