Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
