If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I could make wine with my vomit
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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