Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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