I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
