my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
