Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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