I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
my liver is dry heaving
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
