Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize