4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
