How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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