I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
