I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
