Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
