She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
