you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
