I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
