At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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