She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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