In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My liver just had a heart attack.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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