I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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