hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
