Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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