Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
birth control should be required to get into college
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Randomize
