I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
