You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
