i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
