Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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