Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
