Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The power of my boobs compel you
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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