My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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