Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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