I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
