Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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