Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
