Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
