Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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